biolab.org.uk

Eating apples, not usually perceived as a hazardous activity right? For those with braces however, apples represent an anthrax coated bomb. The sound as one of your brackets pings off as you crunch into that temptress, the Granny Smith, strikes horror into the heart of the braces-wearer.

Subsequently, he or she who bears the now-broken brace will be forced to visit their orthodontist, a prospect which I believe is responsible for at least 90% of apple-phobia amongst brace-wearers. Let us first deal with the NHS orthodontist before moving on to the private version.

The NHS orthodontist is notoriously over-worked. Bad British teeth genetics coupled with an under-18 clientele (the demographic most likely to repeatedly break their delicate mouth apparatus) together create a rather full diary of appointments. Thus, upon seeing your orthodontist, you can expect an angered left eyebrow, no conversation and a thoroughly unpleasant if not painful 10 minutes.

The private orthodontist is of an unrecognisably different ilk. The expenses incurred lead naturally to an undernourished diary and a rather bored orthodontist. Thus, upon seeing your private orthodontist, you can expect an hour of conversation before the appointment, an extensive monologue during said treatment, and a detailed ‘over-view’ on possible further treatment at the conclusion of the treatment.

The moral of the story? No apples and don’t chew r4 sdhc cards.